Other life compels us.
And yet, other life teaches and you realize that she was dead wrong.
Anyway, this is called learning, life, maturation, each flame you want.
I call regrets.
Yes, I have many, many and a list almost endless.
Alive and constantly change. Sometimes I feel vile and cruel and eager to get back at everyone who hurt me. Other times I feel faith devotion and kindness, will leave for forgiveness and me lying at the feet of many to get in good with God. The truth is that there is no use trying to please God. He knows what's going on, everything we think and so no use pretending forgiveness or apologize if you really do not feel it. I have apologized years ago for this reason. Today, already more mature I think a lot before and think the person deserves it okay if I will not have to live with it because some pretend to be good but in fact there will always be a tinge of suspicion and anger in the heart by a particular person.
I realized that there will always be people who for more than ever hurt us we will love and forgive at the same time! Other is impossible and even trying to live good deep down you know you will not with the person's face! There's no way! Some call it intuition. For we not always know if the person really wants to forgive you or hear you really get good with you too.
It is interesting to think about what Jesus lived and was so modified me very way of thinking. Even those who insulted, offended and really machuram both psychologically and physically he forgave them and came to love as at the beginning when you know the person and gives his friendship and confidence without knowing what to expect. And so I decided to do the same. At least those who can return to love of truth. Because as I said there's no use lip service to God because you never deceives.
But I know that many do not believe in my words or excuses. But all right, God knows when I say is true. I do not give me a lot .... At least that's what they think that of me because I'm actually an open book! I was never afraid to express my opinions and choices will.
I am strictly against and anger me very intolerant people who do not change the opinions that do not open minds, which is chauvinist, prejudiced or be anything ... And so suddenly do not get along with many and ended finally desfazendo- I friendships. No wonder that people grow and change ... just like me after all! And in this game of life, a lot of good people that we end up discounting our frustrations without fault ...!
Come on. I'll tell you a little of my story ...
I lived in three cities.
I was born and lived in a small town. I know that the relationships now could have more than ten friends out there. I was a person who always appeared in some way. Always show up at school. Be as quarrelsome or scavenger hunts participant and such whenever I had was very stuck! And such a person we know everyone says talks and not forget. This school take a very dear person. Idinéia. Always with good memories and a small misunderstanding only. Hit her, I cashed my anxieties .. I thought she had called me fat. To this day, I do not know if it was that, but finally passed. I studied up to 4 series there and I can say that I was happy. All girls wanted to be like me, they thought I was beautiful although I myself do not find me. Had me and another girl called attention beauty. It was just a beauty contest, ridiculous right! I not like anyone in particular and always identified and gave me better with the boys. For being less fresh .. the girls did not want to get dirty, play fighting, etc ....
In the vicinity take two real friends. Even today, I know that if you went to live would be equal. But the distance does not roll today. Bruna, Barbara. The rest, known or passing people in my life that nothing marked.
Remember that suffered bullying in childhood by my second school, only a number less than 1 year. But that changed a lot! Tonou me in the violent and aggressive time today looking at me as a professional and person.
Remember that bullying suffered in the neighborhood too! I do not know why! But I imagine it to be very loved and make all of my mother, I say material goods. Less than Barbara and Bruna and a family side. I think maybe to win everything he wanted. Not because we were rich but to be very loved it. My mother left to buy for her to give me, being an only child think. Daughter heart and soul from newborn and do not know whether out of ignorance or prejudice envy many neighborhood girls I excluded the games. But I thank you for my mother never left aside in the birthday parties! Perhaps it intrigues even among parents know. Small town happens very picky ... and ignorant adults involve innocent children. And while I lived there one can say that he was innocent. Not even know what the term "lesbian" meant. Since one day they called me that because he said he loved my friend ... Things other pre teen girls were full of shit but all bem..O that hurt me was the exclusion .. At the time I pretended not to care and sprouted one very bad feeling about them. I said to myself that somehow in the future would avenge me. I never forgot!
Or I played with myself or with the boys since they were less fresh than the girls I framed me more ... But do not they accept me, but I Metia me to stay with them and how they said nothing was there. .Tentando play, fit in somewhere .. Being "normal".
I suffered bullying in the family! Yes, I suffered much bullying same and maybe that made me a bad person for the next eight or nine years of my life. For friends and neighborhood I changed, but not family.! Being fat called me whale. Maybe not out of malice but of ignorance have no idea how much it hurt me! All cousins, everyone! And some uncles tell by the way. The family still allowed to happen! After all I was adopted ... could all me! I responded violently and hitting everyone. I was never quiet but hitting left no less bigoted and cruel to me. But at least I did not let cheap and relieved me at the time. Today saw the pictures do not see any fat but how did not belong to family blood ties really was not like anyone! I had greater structure and belly was not dry, had a small peneuzinho. But it was not obese or anything! One day post a picture here for you ... Still in the family by adults as it was aggressive with cousins most aunts saw me differently .. It was seen as a bad child, evil, cruel, but not linked to I had a reason! Said my mother had taken to create a snake at home ... Ok. I grew up with the idea that it was bad for birth! It is .. I say nothing but it was by God even if it became a psychopath, because the wanted to kill everyone and everyone just went after I made the college and understood everything I experienced ... For not only read things about my course but on psychology neurology in an attempt to understand why I was like that! ... I do not feel sorry for me not .. I'm from making poor not! Just explaining my real motives of the whys of the ways that acted!
My mom?! Not .. She did not defend me. But it was not for lack of love! It was out of fear, ignorance and especially not knowing what to do with me! I did not understand me, did not know who to believe, because I was violent and logical! I had reason. And I was never still, always fought and I spoke how I felt and everything else ..! There is by now had changed city. After my fifth grade the company my father worked in the small town closed, it was the largest provider of resources because my mother always helped as you can. And I asked a lot to change the city suffered because the second school with physical assault, constantly, every single day! Also retaliated! AMs was 5 against me alone. No chance right.! Only I studied half a year there. 5 series after we moved to town.
Anyway, my going to the largest city ... My dream. (That was not that big ..) It made me happy but many things have changed ... My mother in which got along reasonably well worsened too, because she went to work 24 hours. I without any friend or have someone tell me .... Now desandei suffered bullying in the new new school to be smaller city called me a bitch or settler (for like to use strong lipstick). As I always said I liked to show my 4 series. I've always been vain, but never fresh. I remembered until the 4th grade .... But I did not have many friends ... In the 5th in another school suffered from physical violence! I was the one who caught! Teachers did little .. We moved to another city and new school that both dreamed of being happy suffered bullying for being "settler". Bullying in the family remained for a long time ... But I could not accept not to do well in this school! I was encouraged that I would be happy and would be accepted there, anyway! Teachers were different, many defended me! And so I felt safe and I could live more quiet. Slowly changed clothes .. Form of speaking and acting ... everything to fit the city and that anyone that was different from what I knew before. With great city of malice! I just asked on the first day to be with someone .. A boy. I did not know what was "stay" !!! Slowly I got to know the staff and never forget the first person who held my hand! Mayara your beautiful name! The have as a friend today! Over teenager time I changed the friendships, I tried to be friends with other friends considered most popular or beautiful .. I can even say I was popular in my time in high school in school but change the friendship was a big mistake my! What counts is the person inside! I took me but soon learned the lesson and asked a thousand apologies to Mayara who generously returned to me love as the beginning! Oh beautiful person! I learned a lot from her! On how to be happy with little, about how to be generous with the people who have hurt you, on how to be friendly! On how to be friendly and like to play and have a smile on your face even not being so well ... This deserves heaven .. Of course, life has changed too. We grew a lot. We keep afastasdas probably a year ago ... but always in college parties or marriage or children stood in there! We never abandon us completely! And today, we talk every day, which is amazing! We can talk without teenage junkies without getting angry by little, without high egos finally .. Let me continue the story ...
Even in school I was the same to complete high school and made another friend. Simone. United violence with immaturity .. Ready has shit! You know when two wounded hearts wanting revenge and a little immaturity ?! Well, we turned witch ...! Haha. That's right. In fact when we went but that party was not made clear because it will not tell my whole life here. I always liked horror movies and fortifiquei me creating an armor that made not disclose my suffering. Almost never cried! Never ever! If my mother beat me in childhood because I hit some cousin or quarreled I would stop and say to her: "Can you hit!" And so I hardened my heart for many years ... and created a cover in which he pretended that it was iron that nobody could hurt me. The wounds were there .. But no one saw! Never. If I fell sinking me or depression or turned psychopath and killed everyone. That was what I was thinking all the time! In kill me or kill all before and then kill me .. So my final tcc in college was about bullying in childhood and adolescence ... But I did not tell my story about there .. The staff have no idea how this changes the people!!! Continuing .. Simone and I cling to black magic. Researched a lot about it ... But very much! We made a pact of blood .. Among other nonsense ... And we want to hurt some people .. Many can say that took place .. But like everything that goes around comes around. We stopped .. we were so united, but so united that people have talked that we were lesbians .. Things prejudice again ... But it did not hurt me, not her. Mayara? Participated in the madness, heard all as a good friend but never very involved in spells, he was afraid and his heart was very good for that. I did not agree but did not talk much to us because he knew the size of our ignorance we were not going to change either by her or by anyone! We did a lot together crazy .. Things not dare to comment not to influence others wounded hearts and souls suffered, ... Together, the world could bring us down but we continued strong!
When the friendship is over .. I'd rather not comment on the reason .. For it is already something buried and forgiven. My world collapsed! It was fight all day at home .. I no longer had someone to open up and my mother forced me to visit the family that made me even crazier! I was never really accepted in the family! Never! When I was 15 and my mother decided to open up to me and talk finally I understood that because they did not like me ... Because the majority did not agree with the adoption, thought it would bring problems to her and my father ... and really brought . But not as they imagined ... never drugged me despite the willingness to try that ... I knew it was no going back. Only kissed a guy with 15 years! Just fucked at 17! Married at 26, son to 27. I only had three boyfriends all my life .. And few cases out of it. Only problem had social relationships .. At least until adolescence. And it was all because of the bullying I suffered coming from different places.
The years passed, just the second degree and every one of my friends went with their lives ... But then the first year made peace. We met ... but still had a grudge because we went back to see us again years later ... Already more mature and better.
My college .. Chosen by my parents .. I would rather they had a house than I college of my dreams as my mother would kill to work in the old job and we lived there too .. So was complicated .. Finally, it was God thing. For people will come after this college course!
Pedagogy College uri Erechim I became better. I understood and changed my view on all things ... I passed many psychologists but only good books made me truly human. Abandoned such sorcery by which I entered just to get back at some people ... I went through parapsychologists psychologists in childhood. (Again thought to be adoptive I was aggressive because of that not to accept or want to know the other family! I've always been very well resolved it, amos my parents and never wanted to look for the biological family! It was by bullying bill! but even I knew at the time I thought it was bad even ..) and psychiatrist as a teenager because he was getting paranoid, saw things .. and when I wanted to leave the bad ... let's say he did not leave me .. and I gnawed for a long time .. it was such a turn that the world gives .. what if you want the other back. Always back. So I stopped to wish evil and prayed a lot to understand all that I have lived ... And because that adolescence we can not see beyond our own navel.!
In addition to the college a person with initial L, a spirit occupational therapist who did see more and understand more my will and made me believe I was good and not bad. And God even after all accept me. It was then that I accepted it and my life. And it all started gradually change for the better.
I met an amazing friend in college. Charline. She changed me a lot .. And I changed, I think. She made me better, more good, more humble. I became a more courageous and feisty little, since once she accepted everything good without fighting ... In equillibramos I would say.
It's like Chico Xavier says: Nothing is by chance and no one goes in vain in our lives.
Anyway, grow, time passed and gone through three cities. The last for now I'd rather not say anything because it has to do with adult problems and I better resolved with myself not let myself more affect as much as before.
My family, I forgave all the same no one has come to ask me for forgiveness. Even I have already commented that it was aggressive because of bullying and exclusion that actually rolls up today. But in a more hidden way, for adults and life no longer need to endure say in so if we do not want !. And after college I decided to treat everyone well and not more aggressively and many also improved me.! But I needed change. Some or changing I accepted me, but okay. Today it does not hurt me anymore !. When I finally managed to forgive and see beyond myself felt more relieved and I could live and think of me in my happiness and not only as in my pain as before. Perhaps a matter of maturity, mixed college therapy and true friends who never left me. Today, I have a better relationship with my mother, after college and the appearance of someone in the family far in our lives. But I'll leave for another time to tell because this is a hairy and long history ...
Finally, I regret those who hurt these comings and goings .. From those I put my anger, I expressed my hurt or tried to take revenge. I regret all evil I did. Especially those who had nothing to do with it! Are they that feel. And although for many or almost all I think have already forgiven me, I'll never know if understood really or forgiven just to make social !. Anyway, I leave that answer to God. What matters is that I did not lie this time just to be good with God, but good about myself.
I've always been "serious" face closed type for it. He did not talk much to anyone. Not in school. (Only later Simone next to me, but only talked to her!). (I have always been not say anything about me and also not interested in anyone. So it took me up to date. And once again did it to frame me in society and not because I wanted .. But to feel more normal. And I lost my virginity because I asked. to know how it was! it was not for love like most girls ... to see the degree of coldness that I was! And not to believe in men at the time because of the harassment I spent childhood ! - another story that is for another time ..)
I spoke with everyone grossly! But everyone even! No exception! Teenage dressed me every single day black! On sunny days always jacket to hide me because I was ashamed of my body. He did not speak to anyone much at family gatherings. Always fought! And it irritated me was leaving to physical aggression. I was bad because that was what they had done to me and so they expected me to be. Sometimes you just need someone to believe in you. What do you see the best of what you can give and not the other way!
Not that today is perfect. The scars of bullying and life will be forever in me! There is no way to change it but I know how to how to express it and how to deal will make all the difference in my life. Some things even try I can not change. Other already got. And so we trying to always improve .. Who hurt me? I could forgive almost say most. It made me so well! It was as if he had gotten rid of 200 tons of weight on my back! Oh really. Worth it!
I'm trying to have new good relationships and keeping the old. Lasting after accepting people with the charge that they come, and I have mine. Always, open heart, much more mature person and another view! Ah! And 2% aggressive now. haha. At the moment with the look that I have someone hurt me, I'd rather get a process same stuff .. not!
Oh, and finally with God in my heart! It also makes all the difference! Because as a teenager I turned the magic was angry with him. As I said, I did things that I dare not speak, all against God, blaspheming and hating it. I prefer to forget, because I am no longer so and have forgiven me also.
Today, what makes me sick, just pull away from me, do not carry grudges more, I saw that not worth it, just move away, there are things I can change, others do not. I finally understood.
What bullying is with us.
Some repair, others give up and kill themselves.
Only someone who has to know and understand the revolutions that it causes and how much influence our lives.